Sunday, January 30, 2011

My Life

One day back when I was in high school I was talking with my sister in law Caroline and her mom about decisions that I was making, and where I wanted my life to go from that point. I remember Connie telling me something that has always stuck with me. She said to me " Lora, no matter what decisions you make or what happens in your life you have to always remember 4 little words, IT WILL BE OK." She said to me, Heavenly Father knows who you are. He knows the desires of your heart and he will be there for you any time you need him. So when you find yourself heart broken or upset just remember IT WILL BE OK! Back then it didn't mean much, but those words have brought me so much comfort over the years.

Each morning I wake up, get ready and by the time I am walking out the door I look as though I could take on the world. To be perfectly honest when it comes to work, I do. It feels great to see the numbers improve after all the hard work,effort and time I have put in! On the outside I look and seem put together, but on the inside I feel as though the woman I truly want to be is fighting to be let out.

It is no secret that for the past several years Dan and I have been trying to get pregnant and our journey of infertility has been a long hard road.

I can actually remember the day we found out we were pregnant for the first time. It was a Sunday and all weekend I did not feel great, I went to church and while I was at church I got a text message from my Aunt Debbie, asking if we wanted to go on a hike and have dinner with their family and my Aunt Bonnies family. I of course said yes and she asked if we would bring a watermelon. We actually had to run to store because we didn't have one (judge me later). While at the store I picked out the biggest most beautiful watermelon ever. Upon arriving at my Aunt Bonnie's house we learned that we were going to pack our food up the mountain and eat up there. Dan instantly shot me this look of " Oh great, you picked out this massive watermelon and I am going to have to lug it up this huge hill." During all of this something in me was telling me not to go on the hike, I kept shrugging it away because I had hiked this very hike several times. I knew what I was doing, right? WRONG! Not even half way through the hike I got extremely sick. Throwing up, passing out, etc...I felt SO STUPID and bad because now Dan was not only packing a massive watermelon up the mountain, but helping me up too!
When we finally got to the top I started to feel much better only, my ankles were HUGE! My aunt was the first to notice them, and she looked up at me and she said "Oh my gosh Lora... You're pregnant". I laughed at her and said  "yeah right." She told me that when I got home that night that she wanted me to take a pregnancy test, because she just knew I was pregnant.
When I got home I did exactly what she had told me to do, and she was right. I was pregnant! I ran out of the bathroom into our bedroom, looked right at Dan and said " Bonnie was right." The first thing Dan said was  "Holy $#!% were going to have a baby" (Again judgements later)  I had never been happier, and I loved Dan's reaction.
I always thought it was so dumb how people would wait to tell someone they were pregnant.  I called my mom that very night, I couldn't wait to tell her! It didn't take long for the news to travel, I was getting text messages from so many people telling us congratulations. I truly thought I had died and gone to heaven.
I actually had a Dr's appointment scheduled for a different reason so I called the office and changed it from a yearly exam to a pregnancy exam. Dan took work off and came with me to what we thought would be the first of many appointments. When I got to the Dr's office they had me do all the normal stuff blood draw, get on a scale, pee in a cup etc... Then they directed me to a room and we waited, for some reason I just knew something was wrong. I could actually hear someone saying to me." No matter what happens today IT WILL BE OK, know that your Heavenly Father loves you and he knows the desires of your heart IT WILL BE OK!"
When my Dr walked into my room, I didn't need her to tell me anything, I knew by the look on her face something wasn't right! She asked me when my last period was and we guessed that I was anywhere from 6 - 8 weeks along. She then said to me that my blood test revealed that my hormone levels were not where they should be for someone who was 6- 8 weeks along. She said that by how low they actually were that the baby was not longer alive and I had to make a choice whether to get a D&C (Dilatation & curettage) or to let the  "fetus" pass naturally. She left the room for a minute to let Dan and I make our decision, I didn't even dare to look up, knowing that if I saw Dan I would probably lose any control I was holding onto at that point. I was so ashamed and couldn't help but feel like I had done something to make this happen. Dan and I decided that we would let the baby pass naturally and we left the office.
There really are no words to explain how I felt that day other than desperate. I wanted my baby, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Since that day, Dan and I have been pregnant one other time but it too ended up with a miscarriage. My Dr tells me that I am prone to early pregnancies because of several reasons, 1st one being that I have PCOS. 2nd I produce a weird type of folic acid that causes developing problems with the baby.

In October I decided that I would switch Dr's and we would take a new fresh look at getting pregnant. So I went in for my first initial exam. They took blood, they had me pee in a cup, they made me step on the stupid scale and she did a vaginal ultrasound. (I loved that she was being so thorough). After she was done she started to ask me lots of questions, I had never had someone go into so much detail. She asked me questions like, do you know anyone in your family who has gone through early menopause? Do you know anyone with diabetes? Etc...
By the end of my exam I had a few answers as to why she was asking me all of these questions
1st - I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, she gave me my blood sugar level(I don't remember it, but it was high).
2nd- She was concerned with a lump I had shown her on my right breast and she wanted it biopsied right away.
3rd- She was concerned about possible early menopause, because of the findings with the ultrasound she had done earlier.

She asked me to come back in 30 days and she put me on an extremely strict diet I was to eat 75-100 grams of protein a day. (This is harder than it seems.)
She said that if I hadn't lost at least 20 pounds by my next appointment that she would know that I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do!
As for the early menopause she wanted me to come back in a week to have another quick ultrasound done to see what my uterus looked like,and she also would have my blood test results back.

I felt so alone and desperiate after this appointment, and for a week I kept telling Dan that by the time I was 25 I was going to have breast cancer, a dried up old lady uterus, and probably be bald from the effects of breast cancer. (So many people have laughed when I have told them this statement.) But it was how I was feeling at the time I was really scared for what my future held.

After the first week passed I went back in to have another ultrasound where she found that she may have been wrong about the early menopause and maybe I just had a thinner uterus than most? At this same appointment they used a large gauged needle and took a sample of the lump I had shown her and sent it away to be biopsed.
Two days later the nurse from her office called to tell me that I didn't have cancer, but rather just a lump?
This was a huge relief!  It was like the world had been lifted off of my shoulders and I could breath again...

This month marks 5 years that Dan and I have been trying to get pregnant, and I am struggling! The reason for this post is for me to be able to try and explain what it is like for someone to experience the pain and loss due to infertility. Since October I have had an extremely hard time dealing with the idea that I may never have the opportunity to have a child of my own.

I am struggling with my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I am so mad I that I dont feel as though I can pray with the right heart so I stopped!  I fell abandoned, alone, frustrated and hurt..
Growing up I have always heard. "You get to wake up in the morning and decide your attitude, are you going to be happy or sad?" The problem is, I'm angry and I don't know what to do with that anger...?

Last week after I had taken my monthly pregnancy test(Seriously should have purchased stock with the company)and it was negative, I called my mom to get some advice, she was beyond wonderful and our conversation was exactly what I needed to hear! After I hung up the phone I was sitting on my couch, my house was completely silent and I started to pray, after my prayer I heard agian. " IT WILL BE OK. I am your Heavenly Father and I love you! I know your hearts desires and IT WILL BE OK.


Morgan, Rachel, and Jonathan Parrish said...

My heart was completely touched from reading your blog. I know that there really isn't anything I can say, and I know that I have no idea how deeply you are hurting. But I want you to know that we think of you and Dan often and pray for you both and your future little children. We know you will both make the most amazing parents when you are blessed with the miracle of children. We love you both and want you to know that we are always here for your, no matter what.

Joe and Raylene said...

Thank you for sharing this Lora. I remember that first time. You were such a pillar of strength during that extremely hard time. You are completely right in saying that everything will be okay. I know this to be true. You are amazing. Thank you again for sharing.

A Place 2 Gather said...

Lora, I dont know what I can write here that is any different than all the things we have talked and cried about.

You are not alone in this journey. Not only do you have an amazing family that loves you and Dan, you have a Father in Heaven that knows and loves you two.

Someday this will all make sense. In the meantime, keep your feet on the path and your heart in the right place.

Love you!


(so glad you posted this! :) takes a lot of courage to be so honest!)

Kerstin said...

to some extent i know the frustration of not being able to get pregnant. i've told you that me & jason tried for at least 5 years before getting pregnant. don't lose hope. you aren't 40 yrs have a lot of time to become a mom. stay positive & i'm thinking of ya!

Maleia Titus said...

I know that I now have two children, but for years (4 to be exact) I wondered if I would ever be able to bear children. I remember how much my heart hurt each of the times I went to my doctor's appointment and after 12 weeks of pregnancy, there would no longer be a heartbeat. Lora, your post brought back many of those memories and I want you to know how much my heart hurts for you now. You and Dan are incredible people, Lora. I know that there seems as though there is no end in sight, but I promise you.... the pain will all be worth it someday. I love you and have you in my prayers.

Mat and Casey Esplin said...

All I can say is Thank you for sharing this. I have loked back on my life and tried to see it in a completely diffrent light. I consider myself completely blessed to have you as a friend. You and Dan are in our prayers and we love you guys so much! Please feel free to call me if you ever need anything day or night!

Devyn said...

You are such a beautiful person inside and out. I only hope I can be as strong as you are. You are inspiring and I love your story.. even though it's a sad one. You are truly a loved daughter of God and everything will be ok. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Grammy Carrie said...

Hey Baby Girl... I love you so very much.. You are a very special Daughter.. I wish that I could give you a big hug... I know the pain that is in your heart. I know the expectations and the feelings of being let down.. It is so hard to persevere.. I never want you to lose your faith or trust that All will be Ok.. I Love you.. MOMMY

bestofthebishops said...

This made me cry! Brought back some of my own feelings & memories. Love you Lora!! Pray for you & Dan often. I cannot wait for the day that we get "the news" from you guys! Until then just try to remember that Heavenly Father knows us better than we know ourselves & hopefully one day you can both look back on this & understand it all worked out the way is was supposed to. Call me if you ever need someone to vent or cry to. Sending much love your way!!xoxo