This past weekend I walked in an all night Relay For Life. If you have never done it, I would recommend trying it! It's a great way to realize and count your blessings! There are families that are facing some hard times and fighting the terrible disease of cancer.
While I was there I had the opportunity to hear one of the survivors speak. She told us the story of how just after 7 weeks of marriage she had a grand mal seizure in her sleep! She spoke of how just hours later she was having surgery to remove a large brain tumor. She explained how she allowed the tumor and the cancer to take over her life. It was all she could think about, It was defining who she was. Reluctently she decided to see a therapist to help her sort out the pain and feelings she was having.
She proceeded to tell us story how the therapist held a piece of paper(symbolizing cancer) directly in front of her face, and asked her what she saw? Obviously she could only see the paper! Than the therapist took 5 steps back and asked her again what she saw? This time she responded by saying, "Well, I see the paper, but I also see you, your desk, the lamp... etc." Her therapist explained to her that it was not healthy to focus on only one aspect of her life. Yes she had cancer, but she was also a wife, a step-mother, a daughter, a friend, an employee, a singer etc... The lesson this therapist was trying teach her was that there is so much in this life that we have to be grateful for, that only focusing on one thing will stunt who we are meant to be.
The last couple of months Dan and I have been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. If any of you have ever had to go down this path, you understand that as a woman many emotions and struggles come along with not being able to conceive a child. Thoughts of self-doubt, failure and disapointment are ALWAYS streaming through my mind. I understand this is exactly how satan wants me to feel. He knows that I am weak and vunerable when I am taking medications that make the tears nearly uncontrolable and me inconsolable. I find my self mad, frustrated, jelous & scared.
This lesson of this paper in the face was an awakening moment for me. I have really struggled this year when it comes to not being able to get pregnant. It has always been difficult, but I have never been so emotional, and I don't remember this dark cloud that seems to be overwhelming me!
This lesson symbolized for me the life that I have been missing out on. It led me to start thinking who I am? What do I want out of life?
I decided that I want to be happy! No matter how my life turns out, whether or not we get pregnant, or whether we decide to adopt. I want to feel the joy that I see from so many around me! I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me! I don't want them to feel guilty or bad for me because they are pregnant, and I'm not!
I want to be me again... ONLY BETTER! I want to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better employee, a better activity days leader, a better sister, a better friend. . . . .